Flowers, donations and the small decisions

The large decisions — burial or cremation, what kind of service — get attention. The small ones accumulate, cost money, and are frequently made by default.

Flowers

Substantially more expensive through a funeral director than direct from a florist, sometimes by a large margin.

The options: a single arrangement from the family, contributions from others, family flowers only, or no flowers with donations instead.

Practical points: flowers are removed after the service and, at a crematorium, generally cannot go into the cremator. Ask what happens to them — many crematoria will pass them to a hospice or a care home if asked, which families find preferable to seeing them discarded.

Garden flowers, or something arranged by the family, is a perfectly reasonable choice and is frequently more affecting than a commercial arrangement.

Donations instead of flowers

Increasingly common and generally welcomed.

Practical points: name one or two charities rather than several, since multiple recipients complicate the collection. State clearly how donations should be made — through the funeral director, through an online page, or directly.

Funeral directors commonly collect and forward donations, sometimes charging an administration fee. Ask.

Online memorial giving pages are convenient and charge a fee, which is worth checking.

Orders of service

Optional. Printed through a funeral director they can be surprisingly expensive; printed at home or through an ordinary printer, considerably less.

They are kept, frequently for decades, which is worth remembering when deciding on content and quality.

Estimating numbers is difficult. Print fewer than you expect to need and accept that some people will share, rather than paying for a hundred and using forty.

Notices

Newspaper announcements are charged by the line and are more expensive than people expect.

They matter for older communities where people read the paper and do not use social media, and considerably less otherwise.

Consider a short notice rather than a long one, and consider whether the audience actually reads that publication.

Be careful about what personal information appears, for the reasons discussed elsewhere on this site.

Cars

Limousines for the family are among the most commonly declined items and among the most commonly included by default.

Families frequently prefer to travel in their own cars, which is cheaper and less formal.

The hearse is generally not optional; additional vehicles are.

The catering

Costs vary enormously. A venue's catering is generally the most expensive option.

Alternatives: a hall or a home with food brought by family and friends, which people are almost always glad to do and which is frequently more relaxed than a formal buffet in a function room.

Numbers are hard to predict. Many people attend the service and not the gathering.

Clothing

Frequently a source of anxiety and there is no rule.

If the family has a preference — no black, particular colours, a football shirt — say so in the notice, and people are generally relieved to be told.

Viewing the body

Chapel of rest visits are generally charged for, sometimes per visit or outside normal hours.

Whether to view is personal. Bereavement guidance generally suggests offering the choice with an honest description, and not pressuring anyone.

Where the family wishes to dress the person in their own clothes, or to place something with them, ask — most providers will accommodate it and it is not always offered.

Home viewing is possible in many jurisdictions and is less common than it once was. Providers can advise.

Photography and recording

Increasingly common, and worth deciding rather than leaving to chance.

Many crematoria and venues offer webcasting, which allows people who cannot attend to watch, and which was widely adopted during periods of restriction and has largely persisted.

Recordings are frequently available afterwards, which some families value and others find difficult. There is generally a fee.

Agree in advance whether people may take photographs, since some families object strongly.

Music licensing

An oddity worth knowing. Venues generally hold licences covering recorded music, and there may be a charge for playing commercial recordings or for including them in a recording that is distributed.

Ask if you plan to record the service.

The general principle

Ask, for each item, whether it is optional and what it costs.

Funeral providers are generally not dishonest, and packages and default arrangements exist because most people accept them, and accepting them costs money.

Two questions cover most of it: what is included in this, and what could we do without?

The thing that actually matters

Nobody at a funeral remembers the flowers.

What people remember is whether something true was said about the person, and whether there was somewhere to talk to each other afterwards.

Both of those are free.

Ask for an itemised price list and take it away before deciding. Consumer rights regarding funeral pricing differ by country.