Memorials, headstones and what to do with ashes

The funeral is over, and there is a decision about a permanent memorial, or about a container of ashes that is currently on a shelf.

These decisions have no deadline, which is why many people never make them.

Ashes: the options

Keeping them at home. Extremely common, frequently indefinitely, and entirely legitimate.

Worth knowing: this passes the decision to the next generation, who may have no attachment and no idea what to do.

Scattering. Rules vary. Scattering on private land requires the owner's permission. Some public land and some waterways have restrictions or require permission. Some places popular for scattering have become concerned about the volume and the effect on soil chemistry.

Practical points from people who have done it: ashes are heavier and coarser than expected, wind direction matters enormously, and it is worth choosing a moment rather than doing it hurriedly.

Burial of ashes, in a cemetery plot, a garden of remembrance, or a natural burial ground. Considerably cheaper than a full burial and it provides a place to visit.

Interment in a niche or columbarium, where available.

Division among family members, which is common and which people are sometimes uneasy about. There is no legal or practical objection in most places.

Incorporation into an object — jewellery, glass, a record, a firework, a reef structure. A substantial market exists. Costs vary enormously and quality does too.

Scattering in more than one place, which many families do and which suits people with connections to several places.

The delay that is normal

Many people keep ashes for years before deciding. This is common and not a failure.

What is worth avoiding is the situation where nobody ever decides, the ashes move house several times, and eventually somebody who never knew the person is left with them.

If you are keeping them, write down what you would like done eventually.

Headstones and memorials

Timing. A new grave must settle before a headstone can be installed, generally six to twelve months. This is a practical requirement rather than an option.

The interval is useful — it allows the decision to be made without pressure.

Cemetery rules. Substantially more restrictive than people expect. Most cemeteries specify permitted materials, dimensions, shapes, finishes and sometimes wording.

Check before commissioning anything. Memorials that do not comply are removed, at the family's cost, and this happens.

Natural burial grounds are frequently the most restrictive, permitting only a wooden marker or a tree, or nothing at all.

Permissions and fees. Most cemeteries require an application and charge a fee for the right to erect a memorial, separate from the cost of the stone itself.

Cost. Varies enormously by material, size and lettering. Get more than one quote, since prices for essentially identical work differ substantially.

Ordering through a funeral director is convenient and frequently more expensive than approaching a memorial mason directly.

Maintenance. Stones require occasional cleaning and, over decades, may need resetting. Some cemeteries carry out safety testing and may lay flat any memorial deemed unstable, which distresses families who were not told.

Some offer maintenance agreements.

The inscription

People agonise over this and then regret rushing it.

Points worth considering: it is permanent and expensive to change; space is limited and additional lettering costs more; leaving room for a spouse to be added later is worth thinking about at the outset; and dates and spellings should be checked by more than one person.

Short is generally better. The inscriptions that read well decades later are simple.

Alternatives to a headstone

A memorial bench, in a park, a garden or a place that mattered. Requires permission from whoever manages the land, and there is frequently a fee and a defined period after which it may be removed.

A tree, planted or dedicated. Several organisations run schemes.

A memorial book or plaque at a crematorium or place of worship.

A donation or a fund in the person's name.

Something made — a piece of furniture, a piece of art, a garden.

Nothing physical at all, which is a legitimate choice and which some families find suits them.

The question of a place to visit

Worth thinking about before choosing scattering over burial.

Many people who scattered ashes report later wishing there were somewhere specific to go, particularly as time passes and particularly for children who were young at the time.

Others find that a specific place is not what they need.

Where there is disagreement in a family, a compromise that provides both — scattering some and interring some, or scattering with a bench or a tree nearby — is frequently the answer.

The practical advice

Take time. There is no deadline and decisions made under pressure are the ones regretted.

Check the rules before commissioning anything.

Get more than one quote.

Involve everyone who has a stake, since memorials are a common source of family conflict.

And write down what you would want for yourself, which removes the decision from people who will find it difficult.

Cemetery rules, permissions and regulations on scattering differ by jurisdiction and by site. Check before making arrangements.