Talking to parents about money

Adult children need to know certain things about their parents' finances, and asking is fraught in ways that asking about medical wishes is not.

The suspicion is obvious: that the question is really about inheritance.

Why you actually need to know

Worth being clear about, both for yourself and to explain.

If they become unable to manage. Someone will need to pay bills, deal with institutions and manage assets. Without knowing what exists, that is impossible.

To ensure they are claiming what they are entitled to. Substantial sums in benefits and reliefs go unclaimed by older people, frequently because nobody helped them apply.

To protect them from fraud. Older people are targeted, and financial abuse — including by family members and carers — is common. A family with visibility is a family that notices.

To avoid a crisis. Care costs, unexpected bills, and debt in later life all become considerably harder to address if discovered late.

To make sure the arrangements work. A will that is out of date, beneficiary designations naming a deceased spouse, or an absent power of attorney all cause serious problems and all are fixable in advance.

Notice that inheritance is not on this list, and it is worth saying so out loud.

How to open it

Go first. As with the medical conversation, the most effective opening is your own affairs.

"I've just done my will and sorted out powers of attorney, and it made me realise I don't know whether you've done yours."

Use a third party's situation. A friend whose parent lost capacity without a power of attorney, and what that cost.

Frame it as protecting them. "I want to make sure that if anything happened, I could actually help, and at the moment I couldn't."

Address the elephant directly. "I'm not asking what you're worth or what I'm getting. I'm asking whether the arrangements are in place."

Saying this explicitly frequently defuses the whole thing.

Ask about the arrangements, not the amounts. You do not need to know what is in the accounts. You need to know which institutions, whether there is a will, where it is, and whether there is a power of attorney.

This distinction matters enormously and it is the key to the whole conversation.

What you actually need to know

A short list, and none of it requires a figure.

Is there a will, when was it made, and where is it?

Who is the executor?

Is there a power of attorney for finances, and for health, and is it registered?

Which banks, roughly?

Is there a solicitor, an accountant, a financial adviser?

Are there pensions, and with whom?

Is there insurance?

Is there a mortgage or any significant debt?

Are beneficiary designations on pensions and policies up to date?

Where are the documents?

That is the whole list. It can be answered in ten minutes and it does not require disclosing net worth.

The specific things to check

Beneficiary designations. The most commonly out-of-date item, frequently naming a deceased spouse or a former partner, and frequently overriding the will.

This is worth raising specifically because it is easily fixed and frequently wrong.

Powers of attorney, which must be made while capacity remains.

Unclaimed entitlements. Attendance and disability benefits, pension credits, council tax reductions, and carer benefits.

Multiple old pensions, which people commonly lose track of. Tracing services exist in several countries.

If they refuse

Some parents will not discuss it, and that is their right.

What you can do:

Ask them to write it down and put it somewhere you will find it, without telling you the contents. This addresses the practical problem without disclosure.

Suggest they tell someone else — a sibling, a solicitor, a friend.

Ask them to complete a template document listing where things are, which many banks, charities and government bodies publish for this purpose.

Give them information rather than questions. A leaflet about powers of attorney left on the table achieves more than an interrogation.

And accept it if they will not. Continuing to push generally entrenches the position.

Between siblings

Do this together where possible. One sibling handling a parent's finances alone generates suspicion, and suspicion generates disputes.

Transparency between siblings is protective for the person doing the work. Regular updates, shared access to information, and joint attorneys where practical all reduce the chance of accusations later.

If one sibling is providing care and another is not, and money is being spent on care, saying so openly prevents a great deal.

The awkward situations

Where a parent is being financially exploited, by a new partner, a carer, or a family member. This is common, difficult, and worth taking seriously. Adult safeguarding services exist in many jurisdictions.

Where a parent is making decisions you think are unwise but has capacity. They are entitled to.

Where there is less money than expected, or debt. Discovering this early allows something to be done.

Where a parent expects to leave an inheritance that care costs will consume, and has promised it. This is worth addressing honestly rather than allowing an expectation to build.

This is general information, not financial or legal advice. Entitlements, powers of attorney and safeguarding arrangements differ by country. Free advice services for older people exist in most jurisdictions.