Telling people that someone has died

Somebody has to tell people. There is no established protocol, most people have never done it, and the person doing it is generally the most bereaved.

The order

Immediate family first, in person or by phone rather than by message where possible.

Then close friends and wider family.

Then everyone else, which can be delegated and can be done by message.

Agree the order with the immediate family before anyone starts, since the harm caused by someone close hearing from a third party is real and lasting.

Ask people not to post publicly until you say so. This is a reasonable request and it is worth making explicitly, because otherwise someone will, and someone will find out that way who should not have.

How to say it

Be direct. Use the word died.

Euphemism produces confusion, particularly by phone, and the person on the other end may not understand what has been said.

A workable form: "I'm ringing with some very bad news. Dad died this morning."

Give a warning first. "I have some difficult news" gives the person a second to prepare, which they need.

Then stop and let them react. Do not fill the silence with detail. They will ask what they want to know.

Have the basic facts ready — when, where, whether it was expected, whether anyone was there. These are the questions people ask.

Do not feel obliged to explain the circumstances if you do not want to, particularly where the death was by suicide or in circumstances the family has not decided how to discuss.

"I'd rather not go into the details at the moment" is entirely acceptable.

Say what happens next, if you know, or say that arrangements are not made yet and you will let them know.

End the call. You are not obliged to stay on the phone comforting people. It is entirely reasonable to say you have other people to call.

Delegate

The most important practical point.

Repeating the news is the most depleting task of the first days, and it is entirely delegable.

Divide the list. Ask one person to tell the extended family, another to tell colleagues, another to tell the club or the congregation.

Give them a form of words so that everyone hears the same thing.

People want to help and this is genuinely useful help.

Who to tell, practically

A list people find useful, because it is easy to forget someone.

Family and close friends. The employer. Colleagues. Their doctor. Any care providers. Neighbours. Landlord or tenant. Anyone with a regular appointment or delivery. Clubs, congregations and organisations. Old friends who may not be in regular contact.

The last category is the one most often missed, and people who find out months later frequently feel excluded.

Going through the person's address book, phone contacts and Christmas card list is worth doing.

Telling by message

Acceptable for the wider circle and generally not for close family.

Where used, keep it simple, factual and warm. State the death, the date, and whether details will follow.

A group message is efficient and can feel impersonal, and it also means people find out simultaneously rather than in an order that implies a ranking.

Public notices

Newspaper announcements, online notices and social media posts.

Practical points: be careful what personal information is included, since full date of birth, address and funeral timing constitute useful material for fraud and for burglary.

Consider omitting the address, and consider asking someone to be at the house during the funeral.

State clearly whether the funeral is open or private, and state what is wanted regarding flowers or donations.

Telling particular groups

Children. Covered in more detail elsewhere on this site. Use clear language, expect repeated questions, and tell them soon rather than waiting.

Older relatives with dementia. A genuinely difficult situation. Repeatedly informing someone who cannot retain it means they experience the loss anew each time.

Approaches vary and there is no consensus. Many families take guidance from how the person responds, and some clinicians advise against repeatedly correcting someone who believes the person is alive.

Discuss with the care team, who will have encountered it.

People who are seriously ill themselves. Consider timing and consider who should be present.

The estranged. Tell them. Being informed after the funeral is a wound that persists.

When you are the one being told

What to say: "I'm so sorry." That is enough.

What not to do: ask for details the person may not want to give, or require them to comfort you.

What to offer: something specific. "I'll ring the people from the office" or "I'm bringing food tomorrow."

And write down the date, so that you remember to check on them in three months.

Consider what personal information appears in public death notices, since it is used for fraud and, occasionally, for burglary during the funeral.