When you are both the executor and the family

Most executors are family members. Most are also beneficiaries. Most are grieving.

That combination is where the difficulties come from, and understanding the structure of them makes them considerably easier to manage.

The conflicting roles

As executor, you have legal duties: to administer the estate properly, to pay debts before beneficiaries, to act in the interests of the estate as a whole, and to keep proper records.

You can be personally liable for getting it wrong.

As a beneficiary, you have an interest in the outcome.

As a family member, you have relationships to preserve and you are grieving.

These pull in different directions constantly.

What beneficiaries complain about

Almost invariably the same thing: silence.

Not decisions, not competence, not honesty. Not knowing what is happening.

An executor working steadily through a complicated estate, saying nothing because there is nothing to report, is experienced by beneficiaries as someone doing nothing, or concealing something.

Suspicion grows in the absence of information, and once it has grown it is very difficult to dispel.

The communication that prevents most of it

Explain the process at the outset. Most beneficiaries have no idea what probate involves or how long it takes.

A short note early on — this is what has to happen, this is roughly how long it takes, this is why I cannot distribute anything yet — prevents an enormous amount.

Update regularly, even with nothing to say. Monthly, briefly, in writing.

"Still waiting for the pension provider, no other developments" takes thirty seconds and it removes the vacuum.

Explain delays when they occur, and explain why. Beneficiaries assume inaction; naming the obstacle changes that.

Be transparent about money. Provide estate accounts. In many jurisdictions beneficiaries are entitled to them, and providing them proactively is better than being asked.

Be explicit about your own position. If you are also a beneficiary, say so and be scrupulous about anything that could look like preferential treatment.

If you want to buy an asset from the estate — the house, a car — get an independent valuation, disclose it, and get written agreement. This is where accusations arise.

Do not distribute early. Explain why you cannot, since executors who distribute before liabilities are identified can be personally liable, and beneficiaries who understand this stop pressing.

The specific flashpoints

Personal possessions. More disputes arise here than over money. Agree a process before anything is removed, and stick to it.

The house. Whether to sell, when, at what price, and whether a family member can buy it or live in it.

Get a professional valuation. Get more than one agent's opinion. Document the reasoning for any decision.

Executor expenses. You are generally entitled to reimbursement of reasonable expenses. Keep receipts and be conservative.

Payment for your time is generally not permitted unless the will provides for it.

Instructing professionals. Some beneficiaries object to the cost. Explain why professional help is being used and what it costs, before instructing.

Family members who want money now, for genuine reasons, before the estate is ready.

Interim distributions are sometimes possible where there is clearly enough. Take advice rather than deciding under pressure.

Protecting yourself

Keep meticulous records. Every decision, every payment, every communication, with dates.

Get things in writing. Agreements between beneficiaries, particularly about possessions and valuations.

Open a separate estate account. Never mix estate money with your own. This is the single most important protection against accusations.

Take professional advice on anything you are unsure about, and note that you did.

Follow the statutory protections, such as advertising for creditors where the jurisdiction provides for it.

Do not act on informal agreements that contradict the will.

When to hand it over

It is entirely reasonable to instruct a solicitor to do the administration, paid for by the estate.

Consider it where the estate is complex, where there is conflict, where you are struggling, or where being the executor is damaging your relationships.

You can also renounce entirely, if you have not yet begun to act.

Neither is a failure. The role is a job, and there is no obligation to do it yourself while grieving.

The relationships

Worth being blunt: estates end relationships.

Siblings who were close stop speaking over a piece of furniture, a valuation, or a delay that was never explained.

The executor is generally the one blamed, having done the work.

The protections are transparency, documentation, and communication — and, where it is going badly, bringing in a professional to be the intermediary.

Mediation exists for family estate disputes and is considerably cheaper than litigation. Proposing it early, before positions harden, is worth doing.

And for yourself

You are also bereaved.

Say so, to the family, out loud. Take breaks. Accept that the estate will take as long as it takes, and that nobody's grief is improved by finishing it two months earlier.

This is general information, not legal advice. Executors' duties, entitlements and liabilities differ by jurisdiction. Take professional advice where the estate is complex or where there is conflict.