Grief & After
When you are the last one left
Outliving your generation is a particular kind of loss, rarely discussed, and it brings practical problems alongside the grief.
Margaret Oyelaran
35 articles by Oyelaran
Grief & After
Losing a partner after a long life together
Bereavement in later life involves losing not only a person but a way of living, and the practical consequences are frequently as destabilising as the grief.
Grief & After
Continuing bonds: what people do with the relationship afterwards
The idea that grief ends with letting go has been substantially revised, and what most people actually do is maintain a relationship in an altered form.
Family Conversations
The letter you leave behind
Of everything people leave, the thing most consistently valued is a letter, and it is the thing most consistently not written.
Advance Directives
The complete plan, on one page
Everything across this site reduces to a fairly short list. This is that list, in the order worth doing it.
Advance Directives
Living with a terminal diagnosis: the practical work
There is a period after a terminal diagnosis in which a great deal can be arranged, and using it well makes the following months substantially easier for everyone.
Grief & After
What grief does to the body
Bereavement has measurable physical effects, and the health of recently bereaved people deteriorates in ways that are documented and under-discussed.
Family Conversations
Telling people that someone has died
Delivering the news is exhausting, repetitive and frequently done badly for lack of any guidance on how.
Advance Directives
Where do you want to be at the end
Most people express a preference to die at home. A substantial proportion die in hospital. The gap has identifiable causes and several of them are addressable.
Digital Legacy
Online memorials and the internet as a place to grieve
Grief has moved substantially online, which has genuine benefits and a set of complications that older forms of mourning did not have.
Family Conversations
Being the one who organises everything
In most families one person ends up doing the arranging, the calling and the deciding, and they are frequently the person with the least capacity to grieve.
Advance Directives
Assisted dying: where the law stands and what it means practically
A small and growing number of jurisdictions permit some form of medically assisted death. The frameworks differ substantially and the practical implications are frequently misunderstood.
Grief & After
After a sudden or violent death
Grief after a sudden death, a suicide, or a death involving investigation follows a different course, and the additional processes make it considerably harder.
Advance Directives
Resuscitation decisions, explained properly
Do-not-resuscitate decisions are widely misunderstood, by families and sometimes by staff, in ways that cause real harm in both directions.
Grief & After
Going back to work
Bereavement leave is generally short, the return is harder than people expect, and most workplaces handle it badly for lack of knowing what to do.
Advance Directives
Planning ahead after a dementia diagnosis
A diagnosis creates a window in which decisions can still be made by the person themselves, and that window closes gradually and irreversibly.
Grief & After
Clearing the house
Sorting through someone’s possessions is among the hardest tasks in bereavement, and it is frequently done too quickly, by the wrong people, in the wrong order.
Funeral Planning
Writing and delivering a eulogy
Speaking at a funeral is a task people take on while grieving, frequently at short notice, with no idea how to do it. It is more manageable than it appears.
Grief & After
Supporting someone who is grieving
People stay away because they do not know what to say. What is needed does not require the right words and does require turning up more than once.
Grief & After
Anniversaries, birthdays and the first year
Certain dates arrive with more force than expected, and the anticipation is frequently worse than the day itself.
Family Conversations
Estrangement at the end of a life
When someone who is estranged from the family is dying, everyone involved faces decisions with no good options and a short timescale.
Family Conversations
Caring for a parent while holding everything else together
Family carers provide the overwhelming majority of care, largely unpaid and largely unnoticed, and the practical support that exists is frequently unclaimed.
Advance Directives
Organ and tissue donation: how the systems work
Donation systems differ substantially between countries, and in nearly all of them the family is asked regardless of what you registered. Which makes telling them the decisive step.
Grief & After
Grieving someone you had a difficult relationship with
Complicated grief after a complicated relationship is common, rarely discussed, and frequently harder than grieving someone you simply loved.
Family Conversations
Talking to someone who is dying
People avoid visiting because they do not know what to say. What is wanted is almost never the right words, and the absence is what causes lasting harm.
Advance Directives
Palliative and hospice care: what they are and when
Palliative care is widely misunderstood as care for the last few days. It is available far earlier, alongside treatment, and evidence suggests earlier referral produces better outcomes.
Grief & After
Grief: what is normal and what to expect
Most of what people are told about grief is wrong, including the stages, the timeline and the idea that it is something to get over.
Family Conversations
Talking to children about death
Children handle honest information far better than adults expect, and considerably worse than euphemism, which they interpret literally and find frightening.
Advance Directives
Where to keep the documents so they are actually found
A well-drafted document that nobody can locate at the moment it is needed is the most common failure in end-of-life planning, and it is entirely preventable.
Digital Legacy
Photographs and the things people actually want
Families rarely fight over the digital assets that have value. They grieve over the ones that have meaning, and those are the ones most likely to be lost.
Grief & After
The first two weeks: what actually has to be done
The period immediately after a death involves a set of practical tasks, most of which are less urgent than they feel, and a few that genuinely are.
Family Conversations
When the family disagrees
Conflict at the end of a life is usually not about the decision in front of everyone. Understanding what it is actually about is the only route through it.
Advance Directives
Choosing a healthcare proxy, and what you are asking of them
The person who makes medical decisions for you if you cannot is doing one of the hardest jobs anyone can be asked to do. Choosing them on the basis of closeness is usually a mistake.
Family Conversations
How to raise it: starting the conversation without a crisis
The conversation is difficult mostly because of how it usually gets started — during a health scare, at a hospital bedside, or in the middle of an argument about something else.
Advance Directives
Advance directives: what they cover and what they do not
Documents recording your wishes about future medical treatment go by different names in different places and carry different legal weight. Knowing which you have matters.