Writing and delivering a eulogy

You have been asked to speak, or offered, and now have a few days and no idea where to start.

What follows is practical rather than literary. The good ones are not the polished ones.

What a eulogy is for

To make the person present in the room.

That is the whole task. Not to summarise their life, not to be moving, not to represent everyone's view. To bring the specific person, as they actually were, into a room full of people who miss them.

The measure of success is whether people recognise them.

Gathering material

Do this first and separately from writing.

Ask several people the same questions: what do you remember most about them, what did they always say, what did they find funny, what were they like when you first met them, what will you miss.

Write everything down without judging it. The best material is nearly always something small that somebody else remembered.

Look at photographs. Objects. The contents of a shed or a handbag.

The structure that works

Do not attempt chronology. A recitation of dates and achievements is the commonest form and the least effective.

Instead: pick three or four things that were true about them, and tell a specific story for each.

"He was extraordinarily stubborn. In 1987 he decided to build a wall..."

Specificity is everything. One concrete story does more than a paragraph of adjectives. "She was generous" is forgettable; "she gave away the coat she was wearing to a woman at a bus stop" is the person.

Open with something that gets attention — a line they used, a scene, an image. Close with something simple. A last line that is short is better than a last line that is beautiful.

Length

Three to five minutes is plenty. Roughly five hundred to seven hundred words.

Almost every eulogy is too long, and time expands enormously when you are standing at the front.

Read it aloud with a timer.

Honesty

The difficult question, particularly where the person was complicated.

A eulogy that describes a saint is not recognisable and people notice. A eulogy that airs grievances is a different kind of failure.

What generally works is affectionate honesty — naming the difficult qualities in a way that is fond rather than accusatory. The impatience, the terrible driving, the inability to admit being wrong.

People laugh, because it is true, and the truth is what makes the loving parts credible.

Where the relationship was genuinely difficult, you are not obliged to speak. Declining is entirely reasonable, and speaking dishonestly is worse than not speaking.

Humour

Appropriate, and frequently what people most want.

Funerals are unbearably tense, and laughter releases it. A eulogy that gets a laugh in the first minute makes everything afterwards easier for the room.

Keep it affectionate rather than sharp, and avoid anything that requires context not everyone has.

Delivering it

Write it out in full and read it. Do not attempt to speak from notes. Under emotional pressure, memory fails and improvisation is difficult.

Print it large, double-spaced, on paper that will not rustle. Number the pages and do not staple them.

Practise aloud, several times, including the parts you expect to find hard. Frequently the difficult passage becomes manageable by the fourth reading.

Have a backup. Give a copy to someone who will take over if you cannot continue. Tell them in advance and tell the celebrant.

Knowing there is a backup makes it far less likely you will need one.

Expect to cry, and plan for it. Pause, breathe, drink water, and continue. Nobody minds. Everyone in that room is on your side, entirely, and would be relieved to see you cry rather than watch you struggle to hide it.

Speak slowly. Everyone speaks too fast. Deliberately slower than feels natural is about right.

Look up occasionally, and if that is too much, do not.

Practical points

Check pronunciation of any names.

Check who is present and who is not, so you do not refer to someone as though they are in the room or omit someone who is.

Be careful with anything that could be contentious — a second spouse, an estranged child, a disputed history.

Ask the family whether there is anything they specifically want mentioned or avoided.

Tell the celebrant roughly how long you will be.

If you cannot do it

Say so. Nobody will think less of you.

Alternatives: write it and have someone else read it; contribute to a eulogy someone else delivers; write something for the order of service; or speak briefly at the gathering afterwards, which is far less exposing.

Afterwards

Keep the text. Families frequently ask for a copy, and it becomes a document that is read again years later.

And people will tell you it was lovely, whatever happened. They mean it. Nobody is assessing the performance; they are grateful someone stood up.

Celebrants and funeral directors will help with structure and delivery if asked, and they do this constantly.