Supporting someone who is grieving

The most common complaint from bereaved people is not about what anyone said. It is that people disappeared.

There is a pattern: intense support for two weeks, then a rapid decline, then nothing — at exactly the point when the practicalities have finished and the reality has arrived.

What to say

There are no right words and there are wrong ones.

Say you are sorry. "I'm so sorry" is sufficient and always appropriate.

Say you do not know what to say. Honest, and better than a formula.

Say their name. The single most valued thing, reported consistently. Bereaved people find that others stop mentioning the person, as though they had never existed, and it is isolating.

Share a memory. "I always remember when he..." Any specific recollection is a gift, particularly one they had not heard.

Ask about them. "What was she like when you were young?" People generally want to talk about the person and are rarely invited to.

What not to say

Anything beginning "at least". At least they had a good innings. At least it was quick. At least you have the children. Every one of these diminishes the loss.

"Everything happens for a reason." Frequently experienced as offensive.

"They're in a better place" unless you know the person shares that belief.

"I know how you feel." You do not. "I lost my mother two years ago and I remember how hard it was" is different and is fine.

"Let me know if you need anything." Well meant and useless, because it transfers the work to the bereaved person, who will not ask.

Timelines. "It gets better after a year." "You should be moving on by now."

Comparisons of loss.

What actually helps

Specific practical offers. Not "let me know" but "I'm bringing dinner on Thursday, is six all right?" or "I'll do your supermarket shop this week, send me a list."

The tasks people report as most valuable: food, childcare, lifts, dealing with phone calls and administration, laundry, walking the dog, and being present while they make difficult calls.

Bereaved people are exhausted and cannot make decisions. Making the decision for them, within reason, is the help.

Turning up. Repeatedly, over months, without needing an occasion.

Sitting with them without requiring conversation.

Continuing to invite them, even when they decline. People stop inviting a bereaved person to avoid pressuring them, and the person experiences it as exclusion.

Keep inviting. Say explicitly that there is no obligation to come or to stay.

Remembering the dates. Put the anniversary and the birthday in your calendar and send a message. This is remembered for years.

The timeline of support

The critical insight: support is heaviest when it is least needed and absent when it is most needed.

First two weeks. Everyone present, practicalities dominant, frequently a period of numbness.

Two to six months. The hardest period for many people. Everyone else has returned to normal. The tasks are finished. The reality has settled.

This is when to show up.

Six months to two years. Support has generally evaporated entirely, and there is an unspoken expectation of recovery.

A message at eight months saying you were thinking of them is worth more than a bouquet in week one.

What not to do

Do not avoid them. Crossing the street because you do not know what to say is common and is experienced as abandonment.

If you have avoided someone, get in touch and say so. "I'm sorry I've been distant, I didn't know what to say" is nearly always well received.

Do not tell them how to grieve, or suggest they should be further along.

Do not clear the person's belongings or make decisions on their behalf without being asked. Well-intentioned tidying of a dead person's possessions causes lasting distress.

Do not require them to comfort you. Your grief is real and it is not their job to manage it.

Do not push therapy or medication. Grief is not a disorder and most people do not need professional help. Support is available if they want it, and suggesting it early implies they are doing it wrongly.

When to be more concerned

Persistent inability to function after many months. Complete withdrawal. Heavy drinking or drug use. Neglect of health or safety. Talk of not wanting to go on.

Any mention of suicide should be taken seriously and addressed directly. Asking someone whether they are thinking of harming themselves does not put the idea in their head, and it is what allows them to say yes.

If concerned, involve their doctor, and stay involved yourself.

The plainest version

Say you are sorry. Say the person's name. Bring food. Come back in three months.

That covers most of it, requires no skill, and is what people remember.

If someone expresses thoughts of suicide, contact emergency services or a crisis line, and stay with them. Bereavement support services exist in most countries and are frequently free.