The letter of wishes, and who gets the clock

A letter of wishes sits alongside a will without being part of it. It is not legally binding in most jurisdictions and it is enormously useful.

What it is for

Personal possessions. Wills typically deal with the estate in broad terms, and the items families argue about are frequently of little monetary value.

The ring, the clock, the photographs, the tools, the piece of furniture somebody always said they would have.

Listing who should get what removes the argument entirely.

Explaining unequal provision. Where beneficiaries receive different amounts, an explanation prevents the recipients constructing their own, which is usually worse.

One child received help with a deposit. Another provided years of care. A third has greater need. Saying so is generous to everyone.

Guiding trustees where a trust gives them discretion.

Practical information. Where things are, who to contact, what accounts exist.

Funeral wishes, which in most jurisdictions are not binding in a will anyway.

Things you want to say, which the will is not the place for.

Why not put it in the will

Several reasons.

A will is a formal document and changing it requires formalities. A letter can be rewritten whenever you like.

A will frequently becomes public after probate in common law jurisdictions. Anything in it — explanations, family circumstances, reasons for excluding someone — becomes readable by anyone.

Detailed lists of possessions clutter a will and create problems if items are sold or given away during your lifetime, potentially causing gifts to fail.

Binding directions can create difficulties where circumstances change.

How to write one

Plainly. It is not a legal document and it does not need legal language.

Date it, and replace it entirely rather than amending, keeping only the current version.

Say clearly that it is not binding and is intended to guide, which avoids any argument that it was meant to be testamentary.

Be specific about items. Describe them well enough to be identified. "The blue vase" is ambiguous if there are three.

Deal with the possibility that an item no longer exists, by saying what you would want in that case or by noting that the list is illustrative.

Keep the tone kind. A letter of wishes is sometimes used to settle scores, and it lands badly and can cause lasting damage. Anything you would not say to someone's face is worth reconsidering.

Store it with the will and tell the executor it exists.

The possessions problem, in more detail

Families that agree about substantial sums fall out over a set of crockery.

The reasons are not about value. Objects carry association, and receiving or not receiving one is read as a statement about the relationship.

Approaches that work:

Ask people what they want, in advance. Frequently the answers do not conflict, and where they do, you can decide.

This conversation is easier than it sounds. "Is there anything of mine you would particularly like one day?" is a reasonable question and people are usually pleased to be asked.

Attach a note to items. Some people label the underside of objects with who should have them, which is unambiguous and requires no document.

Give things away while alive, which allows you to see them used and removes the item from the estate entirely. This is worth considering for anything you no longer need.

Photograph and describe items with their history, which is frequently valued more than the object.

The letter you write for the people rather than the possessions

A separate and different document, and worth mentioning here.

Many people write letters to be read after their death — to a partner, to children, to grandchildren who may not remember them.

These are not planning documents and they are consistently reported as among the most valued things left behind.

What people say they wanted and did not get: to be told they were loved, to be told they were not blamed for something, to hear a story about their own childhood, to know what their parent thought of them as an adult.

If you write one thing beyond the practical documents, write this.

Keeping it current

Review it whenever you review the will, and whenever circumstances change.

Destroy superseded versions, since two contradictory letters cause exactly the confusion the document was meant to prevent.

What a letter of wishes cannot do

It cannot override the will. If the will leaves the residue equally between three children, a letter saying one should receive more does not change that.

It cannot make an invalid provision valid.

It cannot bind anyone, in most jurisdictions.

What it does is inform, and in practice executors and families follow it, because it is the clearest available statement of what the person wanted.

This is general information, not legal advice. The status of letters of wishes differs by jurisdiction. Ask the solicitor drafting your will how one should be worded and stored.