Repairing A Conversation That Went Badly

Most families who plan well had at least one attempt that failed. What separates them from families who never return to the subject is what happened in the week afterward.

What usually went wrong

The common failures are structural rather than personal: the wrong moment, an audience, a conclusion presented before a discussion, or a subject introduced with no warning.

Underneath those, the other person often heard something that was not said, most frequently that they are being written off as incapable or that someone is thinking about money.

Identifying which of those actually happened matters, because apologizing for the wrong thing tends to confirm the suspicion rather than clear it.

The immediate repair

A short acknowledgment within a day or two, addressing the manner rather than the substance, keeps the door open without conceding the point.

Saying that the moment was badly chosen is honest and costs nothing, since the moment usually was badly chosen.

Withdrawing the subject entirely is the tempting alternative and is generally worse, because it tells everyone that the topic is now permanently off limits.

Letting time do the work

People frequently reconsider privately what they rejected loudly, and that process takes weeks rather than hours.

Raising it again the following day, or sending a long message explaining the reasoning, interrupts that and forces a defense of the original position.

A gap of a month or more, followed by a much smaller opening, succeeds far more often than persistence does.

Making the second attempt smaller

The next approach should ask for something narrow, such as where documents are kept, rather than reopening the whole subject.

Small agreements accumulate. A family that has established where the papers are is much closer to the larger conversation than one still arguing about whether to have it.

Coming with a specific practical reason, such as a form that needs completing, gives the discussion a purpose that is not about mortality.

When to hand it to someone else

Where the relationship makes the conversation impossible, an attorney, physician, financial adviser or clergy member can often raise the same points without the history attached.

Families with entrenched conflict sometimes use a mediator, and doing so early is considerably less costly than resolving the same disagreement after a death.

Handing it on is not a defeat. The aim was never to be the person who persuaded them, only to make sure the decisions get made by someone while there is still time for them to matter.